This contains spoilers, but nevermind since the movie is bad and you shouldn't go see it.
There were two good things about X-Men III. First, we arrived a bit late so I actually missed all the advertisements. Second, at one point in the movie they show a family trapped in a car in front of Magneto and his army of mutants, and the woman actually locks the car thinking it's going to make a difference. That would have made me smile if I hadn't been busy listing the best ways to kill the movie director at that point.
I don't even know where to start, so I'll begin with how Brett Ratner deals with the characters. Cyclops is killed. Professor Xavier is killed. Jean Grey is killed. Mystique is now a human. Rogue is now a human. Magneto is now a human (although a little doubt remains, see "the worst ending sequence in the history of mankind" paragraph). Now you may be wondering "who the hell remains except for Wolverine and Storm" (you may also be wondering why Ratner is still living)? Well, Director Stupid introduced a new group of totally uninteresting mutants, with absolutely no personality. Juggernaut and Multiple Man agree to join Magneto not knowing who he is or wtf he is planning to do. Kitty Pride looks like she's twelve, Angel is apparently only in the movie for advertisement purposes (he has almost as much screen time as in the trailer), Callisto is the needed 'ghetto' black character (seriously, listen to how she speaks... or don't, actually don't), there was even some emo/Gothic girl, I'm still trying to figure why Magneto didn't slap her for getting that haircut. Beast first appears as a scholar then fights with the other X-Men at the end, not much to say about him. Wait, there's not much to say about any of those characters except "die in a fire".
That brings us to the actual plot and storyline. When a sad Cyclops tells Wolverine "Not everyone heals as fast as you do", I knew this movie was going to suck. I can easily imagine the writers patting each other in the back for three hours after finding that line. Way to go, too bad everyone in the audience almost puked when he said that. Anyway, Cyclops dies like a punk less than twenty minutes into the movie, and guess what we don't even see his death. Apparently they felt they were going the right way since the script just keeps getting worse. I guess they tried to bring in as many things from the comics as possible and mix them, but instead of actually developing each element they rushed the movie (it's one hour forty minutes long), which ruined everything. Rogue taking the cure is not exploited enough, Jean turning into the Phoenix is a big joke, she just stands there doing nothing after Magneto recruits her. She eventually decides to annihilate the universe at the end, which is a pathetic excuse for a thirty-seconds FX sequence. When she asks Wolverine "Are you willing to die for them?", he answers "I'm willing to die for you". Any writer that comes up with such a line should be shot dead. No trial, just shot. Don't even get me started on Xavier's death or the fact that there are no flames around the Phoenix (Jane), they couldn't even get the stupid flames right. What the hell does she do anyway? Make confettis? Can her power look any less impressive? "Oh no, she's making confettis, nevermind that Magneto just made the Golden Gate Bridge levitate and let's RUN FOR OUR LIVES!!". The only good thing about her is that she killed the emo/Gothic guy.
Pyro is a stupid arrogant kid, who keeps acting tough because he can throw flames. Wow, you were born with your power and you can actually use it, that's like bragging about knowing how to walk. Get a job elsewhere than in a circus and I might be impressed. He can't even use his power properly, I mean he ignites cars thrown by Magneto. Maybe next time you could actually think of, I don't know, throwing fire AT YOUR ENEMIES and not at stupid flying cars? Everything is so rushed that you stop caring anyway.
The worst ending sequence in the history of mankind:
The ending sequence features Magneto sitting at a chess table in a park. Now Magneto only started a mutant vs human war, ruined the Golden Gate Bridge, launched an attack on the Alcatraz Island that resulted in the complete destruction of the place and the death of dozens of soldiers, you'd think he'd maybe get a little prison time. But no, apparently everyone is happy in stupid land, they all kissed and hugged and he's forgiven. But that's not the worst thing, we also actually see Magneto move a chess piece without touching it, meaning that his power is not completely gone, meaning that EVERYTHING IS MAYBE NOT OVER! Arggghhhh, stop it already! It was announced that this would be the last X-Men movie (and believe me, it's for the greater good), end it like a man and don't imply something else might happen. Magneto is free and his power is not completely gone. WTF has changed since the beginning of the movie except that the X-Men have lost so many members that they have to fight with twelve-year-olds and Magneto doesn't have stupid Pyro following him anymore? The credits come up directly after we see the piece moving, with a sound supposed to make you go "wow!". Well I did go "wow!", and by "wow!" I mean "let's hunt Ratner down and send him to the one place where he belongs", which is the nearest black hole. X-Men 3 is terrible, don't go see it.
X-Men: The Last Stand
Action / Adventure
X-Men: The Last Stand
Action / Adventure
When a cure is created, which apparently can turn any mutant into a normal human being, there is outrage amongst the mutant community. Whilst some mutants do like the idea of a cure, including Rogue, many mutants find that there shouldn't be a cure. Magneto, who still believes a war is coming, recruits a large team of mutants to take down Warren Worthington II and his cure. Might seem easy for the X-Men to stop, but Magneto has a big advantage, which Wolverine doesn't have. Jean Grey has returned, and joined with Magneto. The Phoenix has woken within her, which has the ability to destroy anything in here past, even if that 'anything' is a X-Men.
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June 1, 2012 at 3:39 pm